My boyfriend deserves a karate chop to the throat.

*Erin texts her best friend Andrea*


Erin “…are you free for coffee? We need to meet”

Andrea “…sure babe, you name it and i’m there”

Erin “Thank’s so much for meeting me at short notice – its sort of an emergency”

Andrea “HE SAID WHAT!?!?!?!”

The first time that Ivan told me that my thighs were like the waves of a tsunami I could of dick punched him. Who says that?? I’m a girl – i’m insecure as hell remember! He thought it was funny. I didn’t. Obviously.  So that’s when I needed to consult with my friend Andrea.

Andrea “Maybe its a cultural thing?”

Erin “Maybe. I’m sure it was just a one off thing. I’ll let it slide”

Andrea “Good idea. He really loves you!”

However, guys can be dumb sometimes and are unable to pick up on some cues – so the comments didn’t end there.

Ivan *while pinching the fat on my upper arms* “Look honey you’ve got your own built in flotation devices for swimming!”

Erin “Do you wanna die?”

I hate my arms. So this was a lowwwwww blowwwww.  Though his comment was shocking I sort of couldn’t help but laugh.  That was until, every time for like 4 weeks I walked past Ivan he would pinch my arms. I’d had enough.

Erin “This is getting too much! You’re making me feel so insecure! STOP IT!”

Ivan “Sorry babe. I love them I didn’t mean to make you feel like that. I love you.” *pinches arm one last time*

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Karate kick to the sacks

The arm pinching did die down after that conversation.  Ivan got the message. Good lad. However, one makes me believe that he is asking for a back hand.  I was looking through Ivan’s photos on his phone and I come across a whole lot of photo’s he had secretly taken of me while my double chin was in full swing.

Erin “What the heck are these photos??”

Ivan *while pinching my double chin* “It’s so cute. I just want to slice it off!”

Erin “….ill slice you off”

Shit man. It just kept coming! By this stage I had built a tolerance and decided that it was time to just take it on the double chin and roll with the punches.  I also decided that it was time to start looking at things from a different perspective.

Despite the initial shock factor, all of these comments have actually helped me. They have helped me to feel so secure about my body and to feel so accepted and loved despite all of my flaws. I am grateful to Ivan.

I have no doubt that the state of this rig will slowly decline as the years pass by but I know now from day 1 that he adores me despite these things. He may have a funny way of showing it sometimes and at times it seems like he has a death wish but hes a good boy. He has helped me love myself more than ever .

While cooking dinner tonight in my active wear (though I had done no activity throughout the day) Ivan said to me “Nice pizza dough”.  He wasn’t talking about my cooking.  He was talking about the love handles that come over the top of my leggings.

RIP Ivan.

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karate chop blog3

4 thoughts on “My boyfriend deserves a karate chop to the throat.

  1. This is awesome. I have lost track of the conversations we have had over the ‘love’ remarks to the different parts of your body Ivan has made. But even though, as females, we so easily take these to heart, he has never once said anything from a bad place, only love ❤️ and I’ll always enjoy laughing about them on the other side #hesakeeper #flotationdevices


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